The Happy Nappy Bride

About weddings. About relationships. About the first year of being married.

marriage (not just the wedding) March 7, 2010

Filed under: Marriage — Happy Nappy Bride @ 9:55 pm
Tags: , ,

What?  So I’m a dork because I subscribe to Psychology Today?

A pretty big part of my job is relating to people and getting those people to work together well…so I love this magazine.  There are always articles about relationships and useful everyday things…and nerdy stuff that’s pretty interesting as well.

There is an article that I knew immediately that I’d post about.  While I’m super excited about The Mister and I’s wedding, I also know that it’s just one day and that there’ll be an entire married life together that starts on May 29th.   The article’s about marriage and the title is “The Expectations Trap.”  I’d intended to highlight a couple cool quotations and put them up…until I realized that I’d highlighted half of the article!  It’s great, go get it…it’s the April 2010 edition.

Here’s a teaser:

“People work themselves up over the ordinary problems of marriage, for which they usually fail to see their own contributions.  They badger their partners to change, convince themselves nothing will budge, and work their way out of really good relationships.”

“We believe in our inalienable right to the intimate relationships of our choice.  In allowing such free-market values to seep into our private lives, we come to believe that a partner’s job is, above all, to provide pleasure.  People do not go into relationships because they want to learn how to negotiate and master difficulties.”

“We are focused on the partner we want to have, not on the one we want–or need–to be.  That may be the worst choice of all.”

“Commitment is the ability to sustain an investment, to honor values over momentary feelings.”

“You and your partner help each other become a more perfect person–perfect, that is, according to your own inner ideals.”

Good stuff, right?  The whole time I was reading the article, I was like, I need to keep this so that I keep going back over everything.  There were a few real life stories about people winding up divorced over nothing really (though it seemed big at the time) and couples that withstood the test.  Even a story about difficulties that Barack and Michelle Obama experienced while he was a senator.

I often have to remind myself that when I was single, I was always right…and that it’s impossible to always be right within a relationship.   Though I do think I’m right most of the time, lol!  But I’m working on it!  Are you working on being the kind of partner that you’d want to have…or more specifically, who he needs you to be?


8 Responses to “marriage (not just the wedding)”

  1. We are focused on the partner we want to have, not on the one we want–or need–to be. That may be the worst choice of all.”

    This is a beautiful reminder that a relationship is choice. The other day someone asked me if I had been with enough other men to be able to wisely choose my partner. I told them that I believe I could find someone else to love and someone to love me, but this works, I love him, and I want to make this work.

    • dknytx Says:

      I think that’s a huge statement! It’s not all pie in the sky and “romantic”, but it’s real. You’ve chosen to love him and he you…that’s why it’ll work.

  2. Awesome post! Thanks for sharing. We very much romanticize the idea of getting married and living happily ever after, but we don’t spend enough time to consider what that truly involves! As a writer of a wedding blog, I’m often put on the spot regarding relationships and topics of love. I wish I knew all the answers…Lord knows I struggle with simple concepts in love. But I am learning more and more about myself everyday and I believe that is key! Learning who you are and LOVING who you are is the secret to success in any relationship.

    • dknytx Says:

      Yeah, loving who you are and who you’ll be down the road…and finding someone who does the same is key. And like Cupcake Wedding said, there could be 20-30 dudes that fit that description…we’re lucky to have found one of them!

  3. buhdoop Says:

    Nerds unite, I also love psychology today.

    I like this quote the best so far:

    “Commitment is the ability to sustain an investment, to honor values over momentary feelings.”


  4. Kemi Says:

    My fiance and I have a “Relationship Check-In” thing we do about once a month or really whenever it fancies us. Essentially each partner says three things the other does or has done recently that they didn’t like and three things they HAVE liked or appreciated. We started doing this pretty early on in our relationship. I think it’s really helped to get things out of the way and tackle any funny bits as we go along. Also because we also say the things we DO like, then the other person gets a kind of acknowledgement as well, which is great.

    Now don’t get me wrong, these things have turned out into big things once or twice and something that should be a quick conversation turns into an hours long thing, but the important thing is we just talk it out, and work it out, and keep moving. This way also, none of us is carrying luggage that will come out randomly in some obscure argument.

    It takes a lot of open-mindedness, patience, and willingness to change.

    • dknytx Says:

      That’s good…no sneak attacks! Like you ask how his day was and he’s like, “it would’ve been better if you would put the cap back on the toothpaste!”, lol!

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