The Happy Nappy Bride

About weddings. About relationships. About the first year of being married.

Black family and marriage March 20, 2011

Filed under: Marriage — Happy Nappy Bride @ 5:44 pm
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I hadn’t heard about this Face Off series that Nightline put on with the title of “Why A Successful Black Woman Can’t Find A Good Man?”

Now, I know a whole bunch of you just sucked your teeth and rolled your eyes thinking, not this again.  I think it’s something to think about though.  I think that the program is mistitled though.  It would be aptly titled, State of the Black Family.  So I’d encourage you to look through the different conversations that are there…I’ve enjoyed it.  I especially liked Part 3 where you’re side swiped with the reality of Michelle and Barack Obama’s initial courtship.  It will check you, for sure!

These are conversations that need to happen in our community.  We need to talk about the real and not just the statistics.

Another teeth sucking moment?  Steve Harvey is one of the moderators.  Give it a shot though…it’s good!

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What do you think? March 10, 2011

Filed under: Marriage — Happy Nappy Bride @ 4:32 pm
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A couple quotations from the latest Psychology Today:

When I ask Jean Twenge about marriage and happiness, the psychology professor at San Diego State tells me about her grandmother.  She ran a farm, gave birth to seven children, and was married to her husband until he died, shortly after their 51st anniversary.  It was a good marriage by all accounts.  “But she would have laughed in my face if I had asked her, ‘Was he your best friend?”

Now we expect our marriage partner to be our best friend and a great lover, a great parent and a soul mate, really good-looking and have a great sense of humor.  We have these expectations for marriage we can’t possibly fulfill.

Interesting huh?  I’d read this at the same time I read my Cosmo (trashy, I know) where the actress Michelle Williams was quoted as saying that we can really only expect another person to meet 60% of our needs…and if we get that, we should be pretty fired up.

I think these are right on!  One person can’t possibly be everything we want…isn’t that why we have community?  In that same PT article, the author talks about how our society is getting so insular. We stay at home to school our kids, we attend home churches, we’re working from home.  All of this puts even more pressure on “home” to bring us happiness.

What do you think?

 

5 Love Languages January 8, 2011

Filed under: Marriage — Happy Nappy Bride @ 7:06 pm
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I got a 5 Love Languages Devotional (for myself) for Christmas and I love it!  It’s a quick read since it’s a devotional and so far, they’ve been very useful for me.  Here was today’s…can’t wait to hear what you think:

“Where Change Begins”

As a marriage counselor, I’ve drawn one conclusion: Everyone wishes his or her spouse would change.  “We could have a good marriage if he would just help me more around the house.” Or, “Our marriage would be great if she was willing to have sex more than once a month.”  He wants her  to change, and she wants him to change.  The result?  Both feel condemned and resentful.

We think we see each others’ faults clearly, and we put forth a lot of effort to try to correct them.  But in reality, our own sin blinds us.  If we haven’t dealt with our own failings, we have no business criticizing our spouse’s.

There is a better way: Start with yourself.  Admit that you’re not perfect.  Confess some of your most obvious failures to your spouse and acknowledge that you want to change.  Ask for one suggestion each week on how you could be a better husband or wife.  To the best of your ability, make changes.  Chances are, your spouse will reciprocate.

All of them are good like that…and not too long.  It’s a great way to keep the main thing the main thing.  What do you do to keep your marriage healthy and on track?

 

I resolve… January 1, 2011

Filed under: Building a life — Happy Nappy Bride @ 8:16 pm
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I’ve only got two resolutions.  So without further ado *ahem*:  in 2011, I resolve:

  1. To save money. I’m not saying that I’m a money-grubber, but I want to have loads of loot for when The Mister and I get old.  I mean baller-type money.  Why?  Because I want to have money for our kids’ college education so that they can start their life without debt.  Because I want us to be comfortable and be able to travel without worry.  Because I want to leave my/his/our families money when we pass away.

    That’s easier said that done though, right?  It will mean less eating out, more nights in, using the library rather than going to Borders (one of my lifelong dreams is having a library in my house, so this is a tough one), taking my lunch every day, buying less meat, less clothes & shoes shopping.  That’s a very uncomfortable list of things that need to occur, but (as my boy Dave Ramsey says) we’ve got to lead an uncommon life now so that when we’re old, we can live an uncommon life–of comfort and wealth.

  2. To be less selfish. As amazingly wonderful and awesome as I am, I’m pretty selfish sometimes.  I’ve heard folks say that marriage is God’s way of making you a better person and I couldn’t agree more…it’s just painful sometimes.  One of my girlfriends asked why people say that marriage is hard work and I told her it’s because you realize how cruddy you are sometimes.  A good example is when The Mister and I have a tiff, I always talk about myself and my feelings…and I may eventually work around to finding out how he feels.  That’s no good because that means that I’m making him someone who’s just there to please me and make me happy.  And when he doesn’t, I’m pissy.

    Remember I’m a church girl, so I’ve got a great book that I had laying around that said something profound:  There is a false sense of self-protection in harboring an offense.  It keeps you from seeing your own character flaws because the blame is deferred to another.  You never have to face your role, your immaturity, or your sin because you see only the faults of the offender.  Therefore, God’s attempt to develop character in you by this opposition is now abandoned.

So that’s what I’ve got…to be the best wifey I can be for The Mister and to set us up to be kazillionaires in our old age.  What are your resolutions?  Even if you don’t believe in them, are there things you want to work on this year?

 

Reading list December 19, 2010

Filed under: Marriage — Happy Nappy Bride @ 10:53 am
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I found a nice article over at Happily Married After called, “Marriage is a book: Not a chapter, page, or paragraph” and thought that he made a lot of nice points.  See what you think:

Thea and I had a challenging first year of marriage, as many newly married couples do. If we were to consider that those first few ‘pages’ of our marriage was indicative of the whole, we would have shut the book and returned it to the library. But we did not. And now by the end of the first chapter of our marriage – our marriage is much, much, much better. And we are so glad that we did not get caught up on page one.

Your marriage is a book. A whole wonderful story. Don’t get caught up on a letter, a word, a sentence, a paragraph, a page, or a chapter. Let the whole story play out. The best part is that we, with our hard work and effort, can write the story of our marriage in any way we’d like. And know this as well, our inattention and indifference to our marriage let’s outside influences write the story. And that’s when we sit and think that we don’t like the plot and try to exchange it for another book. It’s not necessary. You are the author and your story can be a good one. Finish the book.

As y’all know, I coach for a living and “finish” is a word we use a lot…I’d never thought of it in terms of a relationship.  What did you guys think of the article?  I loved it, because I am prone to being a tad emotional (Like, oh my gosh this is the worst thing ever…my life as we know it is gonna end!  Then the next day, oh my gosh, my life is awesome…it’s just great being me!) and blowing things out of proportion.

What do y’all think chicas?

 

Degree? M.R.S. please! December 14, 2010

Filed under: Conspiracy theories — Happy Nappy Bride @ 1:49 pm
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I found this interesting article talking about young ladies who want to marry rich for a life of luxury.  You can click here to read the whole article, but here’s a few snippets:

“Yes — feminists look away now — most of the girls I talked to are intent on marrying a rich man.

This idea is buoyed by a culture of celebrity that sees attractive women marrying well and then enjoying ­luxurious lifestyles as a result. ­Because of this, matrimony is ­increasingly viewed as an alternative career choice for the ambitious younger generation.

‘I’m going to train as a pharmacist, work for a couple of years and then marry a rich man,’ Lilly announces in a matter-of-fact manner.

Her friend Amy also has it all mapped out: ‘I’m going to be a graphic designer — but when I have children, I’ll give up work. I’m going to marry someone with a really good job.’ Her friends nod in agreement.”

“Last year, Jill Berry, the then president of The Girls’ Schools Association, publicly said what many of us women in our late 30s and early 40s have come to realise.

She said that combining a high-powered career and motherhood and doing both well is impossible. It’s time we stopped feeding girls the fairy tale that they can do it all — and I agree.

But, more than that, I think most women — if given a truly free choice — would choose to stay at home and look after their children in their infancy.”

What do you think?

 

 

Shameful thievery December 12, 2010

Filed under: Home life — Happy Nappy Bride @ 6:32 pm
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Once again, I was over at Simple Marriage’s blog and saw an article that’s critical to any relationship…whether it be a parent-child, spouse to spouse, or friendship.  The title was 5 Steps To A Genuine Apology and you can click on the title to get to the actual article.

I’m sure we’ve all been victims of the non-apology apology:  “I’m sorry that your feelings were hurt.”  Huh???  “I’m sorry that you misunderstood what I meant.”  Wha???  “I’m sorry I kissed your boyfriend but I thought you were out of town.”  Hmmmpft!  The good part about this list is that there’s no space for defending your offensive actions.  You can’t apologize AND say “but this is why I did it”.  They don’t care why you did it silly, just apologize and keep it movin’!

Anyhoo, I’m sniping the five things to post up over here and would love to hear from you in the comments!

  1. Describe the event (WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE)
  2. Yesterday when we were in the car (where), you (who) were telling me how you handled a situation at work (what) . . .

  3. Tell what you did and describe the action
  4. . . . and I said, in a sarcastic manner (how I acted) that I thought the way you handled the situation was stupid (what I did). I want you to know that I was rude to use such a harsh word as stupid. It was judgmental of me to think that I knew better how to handle that situation at your work. I think that speaking to you in a sarcastic manner was disrespectful and contemptuous and not the way I want to treat you.

  5. Acknowledge the damage done
  6. I know that it hurt you for me to label your actions as stupid and to speak to you in a sarcastic manner. I know that my thoughtless words reflected a lack of confidence in your abilities and my sarcastic tone was unkind and necessary.

  7. Tell what you wish you had done instead
  8. I wish that I had been more thoughtful and kind and chosen my words more carefully. I wish I had talked about the many school situations you have handled successfully.

  9. Tell what you PLAN to do differently the next time.
  10. The next time you are telling me about something that happens at work, I plan to listen better, ask more questions, and choose my words carefully. I plan to focus on my knowledge of your strengths. And I commit to you my intent to speak to you in a manner that reflects how much I care for you and about our relationship.